


And then we long to be loved

by CaraMia1887



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Difficult Decisions, Hurt, Letters, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-30
Updated: 2015-04-30
Packaged: 2018-03-26 12:36:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3851212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaraMia1887/pseuds/CaraMia1887
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mario finally puts his feelings into words. That's what is, no more, no less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And then we long to be loved

Woody... Marco... hi there...

See... I can’t even start this letter properly… but I’m quite sure you’ll never get it anyway so it doesn’t really matter, right? (I can see you wrinkle your nose and shake your head slightly... could you please take this seriously because I do…)  
I’ll never have the guts to send it to you but with pretending that I’ll surely just do that because I am oh so courageous, I will be able to say (least write) everything...

aaargh now I lost the line but you know me and me getting lost for words when I’m excited. And I think I have never been more excited in my whole life (except for the day when you told me… argh, screw that.) 

With “everything” I really mean everything, so you’d better get comfortable on this hideous couch of yours (ochre, seriously? I bet that’s not even an official colour in… well, in any colour scheme book… oh well… not that you’d know) and get something to drink beforehand ‘cause it might take you some time to read it. Not that you are a slow reader, that’s not what I meant.  
It’s not that easy to put everything in words, written and not said to your face. But seeing you right now would make it impossible to utter any words at all. 

Seeing you… are you wearing this cozy hoodie I gave you last christmas? I always thought the turquoise goes so well with your amazing hazel-green eyes and the print made me laugh every single time I saw it… I can just hear you whisper “focus, Sunny” and believe me, I try. I always tried so hard for you and yet it never was enough. 

Forgive me for getting too sentimental, but that’s all there’s left of me right now, a sentimental, whiny wreck. Yes, being pathetic is still a part of me, part of Götze. (Did you just frown over that line? You’re just jealous you didn’t come up with such a stroke of genius, MRXI… :p) 

I can’t (and I really don’t want to) think about you throwing all of my stuff and the things I gave to you away, so I’ll just picture you in this hoodie. Not that you can do anything against it. It makes me feel a little bit better and a little bit is all I’m craving for right now. 

After all these words, I still don’t know how to tell you everything there was, still is and always will be so I’ll just throw everything in front of you and see how it goes. (Or keep waiting for an answer that’ll never come. I’m good at waiting, now.) 

Did I already tell you that I’ll never send this letter anyway?

Now that’s a lie. I’ll keep it in my nightstand, close to your side of the bed (it will always be your side, empty and wide and oh so cold), and maybe, just maybe, in one weak or drunk or desperate moment (combine all three and you’ll come close to reality), I’ll throw it in the mailbox. Send it to your address, hoping that you’ll still live there. Open it. Read it. There’ll be no sender on the envelope; I’d be too afraid that you’ll never read it then. 

And, most of all, I’ll be hoping and begging and praying that you won’t be too disgusted to read it. All of it. I’ll never expect an answer, but I want you to acknowledge my words ‘cause they are all for you. 

Okay, here it goes. I love you Marco, more than words can say and obviously so much more than I ever thought I’d love anyone. Okay, now you know. I’m sorry I never told you when we were together but I can be a fearful little shit and just the thought of telling you this scared the hell out of me. I think I have to explain more, but now the most important thing I ever had to say is said, I can relax. Just a tiny little bit, at least. 

I never was a sentimental guy. Football has been the most essential part of my life, still was and will be for hopefully some more time to come. I live, breathe, I am football. Sounds weird, but that’s how it is. And I surely know, for you it’s just the same. That’s why always thought that you, of all people, would understand my decision to leave and join Bayern. They told me Pep wanted me in his team, Marco, come on, PEP?! I was so overwhelmed by the thought of me joining this incredible team, being able to get better everyday and to win titles, foremost. You know me so well, I always wanted to get as far as it possibly gets. 

Taking decisions and never look back, yep, that’s me. 

Until you came into my life. I know, you were there when I decided to go, but it’s not that easy. Nobody said it would be, but I never figured it would be so hard to leave you. Yet I did. Does it make any sense what I’m saying right now? I’m afraid not, but I can’t back out, not now, not anymore. 

Marco. Marco. 

When you joined Dortmund I felt instantly connected with you, I was so drawn to you that nothing else, nobody else seemed to matter anymore. I saw you at the training ground and we spent every free minute together. I didn’t need anything more. 

Everything was so easy, flawless. It felt wonderful to be around you. I know you know but I have to say it nevertheless, okay? Well okay. Football felt like pure joy and happiness with you and all the things we shared and laughed about and even cried over (I never believed you had something in your eyes… Love, actually IS a great movie and you were allowed to cry, what did you think I’d do?) made it so special that I never wanted to change a single thing. 

But I did. And you never asked me why. I guess that’s what hurts the most. (Besides not being able to see you, but we already had that). 

You never said, “please don’t leave” or “why do you want to go?” or, my hopes were never high enough that you’ll really say that but, “what about us?”  
I tried to make you say these things by explaining the circumstances, wanted to coax you into expressing at least some feelings but you never wanted to hear more, you never let me finish my sentences.  
“It’s okay, if that’s what you want to do, I’ll support you, that’s what friends are for”.

I never wanted to be less than your friend and yet so much more. So I packed my bags and left. I’m still thankful for the way you stood beside me when I was going through this hell that broke lose when the transfer was confirmed. I still think it was the right decision to take. I will be able to reach so high with this team; my confidence is still there no matter what. 

But Marco… if you loved me back, I would have stayed.

**Author's Note:**

> So.. this is what I came up with in a weak moment, craving for more Götzeus. I feel so lost when I read all your good, even marvellous fictions that offer so much more and all I can come up with is.. well, is this. I don't even know what it is. The tone changed so often during writing it, and all I could do was sit and wonder and write it down. That's what Götzeus is for me, right now, utterly confusing and hurtful and.. yeah.  
> It's not even finished, I guess, so if you want to leave me a comment about it (and the possible ending), I'd be happy. Let's talk about it, okay. I'm also on tumblr, same nick.


End file.
